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| The interesting thing about the places we go is that the place itself actually changes very little over time. Sure, maybe the trees get a little bigger, the boats get a little more scratched, new toys are acquired, maybe a porch gets built. But really, this is the same house I've been coming to for the past seven years. The fake wood floors still squeak, the furniture is the same, the smell is the same, the air feels the same, the water tastes the same way that it did seven years ago.
But in seven years, I've never felt more animosity towards this place, and I've never felt such a distance between myself and the people occupying this house. It's really nobody's fault but my own, of course. And it makes me sad to think about how happy I've been in years past -- how 12 hours seemed like such a long drive, such a long time to wait before I could jump in the water and play all day long! How all I had to do was jump in the water and just like that, I was happy again.
And this year?
This year, the clouds that hang over the grey lake reflect my state of mind.
It's 2:00 in the afternoon, and what have I done with my day? I've eaten a bagel and started a note on facebook.
Wow. Really impressive, Jacqui. Glad you're here.
I'd like to think this is a vacation for me, but every second I spend here feels like wasted minutes ticking by: what could I be doing instead as a better use of my time? That thought has crossed my mind a million times since I've been here, and it's completely irrational. But this summer, it's become habit for me to think that thought constantly, and I hate it. I hate what I've become.
Once this summer is over, and once everyone has left for school, and I'm stuck at home by myself (more or less) until September 20 (ahh that date...), I think that's when I'll finally have time to reevaluate things and really see myself in a better light. Right now, though, I'm having a tough time seeing myself the right way. I know that I have grown more this summer than I ever have before -- but I think it's just a matter of my conscious mind catching up with the rest of me.
Someday soon, I will be able to look back and say, "Wow. Look at what I've done. Look at what I've built. Look at all these great accomplishments."
But the frame of mind I'm in right now is a much louder part of my conscious, and it's saying, "Geez. Look at all these things you've left unfinished. Think of what you could have done if you'd tried a little harder. If only you'd been a little more positive, if you'd been a better version of yourself, what could have gone better?"
If only, if only, if only....
And that's all I can hear right now, and it's all I can think of. I can't even express the right way how exhausting it is for these thoughts to go through my mind constantly. How I'm in constant battle with myself.
For you, my dear reader, I can't imagine what you might be thinking right now. But what I don't want you to be thinking is that I'm sad or depressed or what have you. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?
The reason for me writing this entry, more than anything, is to figure out for myself what I'm feeling and to tell you that even though it's raining outside right now, there is, miraculously, a hole in the clouds that is letting the sun shine on my knee. How appropriate of a metaphor, that the sun and the rain would both be happening right now, as I'm finishing up this mixed-up entry.
I think I'm about to find something beautiful to believe in.
Wish me luck.
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| Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you.
Basically I hate my schedule for the semester. It just sucks because last semester's classes were ALL fun, and this semester... well, I feel like I may go through it with a scowl on my face. I think I'll just live weekend to weekend, and try not to worry about everything in between.
Really, that's the only way I'm going to survive the semester.
It wouldn't be so bad if I LIKED all 18 hours that I'm taking, but... as it is... it'll be over soon enough.
In any case, it's time for bed. :)
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| 2007 -- It's a year that I'm not going to forget so easily as some other years that have passed me by. This year started off with being hired at Vector, and ended... with so much more that I never imagined. One year ago today, I was in my fast start. Today, I'm about to run the same training seminar as I've watched countless times. In some ways, I'm not ready at all. But in other ways... I know I'm going to do fine, because I have just grown as a person so much in the past year. Old wounds that festered for too long have finally healed -- and new wounds have found their way under my skin as well.
Okay well I had a lot more to say, but it looks like it has to wait. My computer battery is angry with me.
In any case... here goes training.
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| ...until someone gets hurt.
This has been a funny week.
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| Man, I love interview crashers. They certainly make for a more exciting interview, that much is true. If I thought my first interview that I ran was bad... it paled in comparison to the freak show that went down today. "Brian" ... whoever he was ... made his first mistake, before he even got a chance to SAY anything: he showed up wearing a Sox sweatshirt and green plaid pajama pants (quite the fashion statement, I must say).
Brian had the foresight to 1) arrive on time, 2) bring a sidekick named Nick, 3) play the role of Perfect Applicant for Chanda's benefit, and 4) print out a bunch of crap ahead of time as ammunition for his attack on our company and Chanda's interview. While he was waiting to talk to Chanda, he let loose and began firing questions at me, thereby cornering me and making me look ... well... incredibly foolish, let's put it that way.
I didn't really understand his reasoning for doing what he did. Does he really care that much about everyone else in the world that he feels compelled to try and sabotage a completely normal, professional interview? I mean, would he do that to, say, a company like Microsoft? I don't think so. So I don't really see why it was necessary for him to try and convince 5 other people not to take one stupid job. It's not even like he had that captive of an audience, either: a friend, a guy who clearly was skeptical of Brian's antics, and three completely silent girls. Tough crowd.
...I'll finish this later.
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